I just can’t shake the empty feeling. I have plenty of friends, loving family, decent job. Things are starting to look better than they were, but I still have the big empty spot in my life. I don’t know why, and it won’t leave. I still pass by the airport and want to grab a one ticket out of here. Just disappear somewhere and start everything over. New name, the whole bit.
It wouldn’t be fair to a lot of people, but to be honest, I’ve wanted to do this since I was in high school. Just go. And never come back. That pull is still here. And I realize that it’s tied to that emptiness. Some inner voice saying to me that I’ve missed my calling. I just wish it would tell me what that calling is. All it does tell me otherwise is that I’ve wasted my life. I’ve failed in marriage, failed to finish college, never had a career. I don’t go out much because it’s pointless to me, I sit there and watch couples all happy and friends out doing things and realize I’m not one of them. I’m that guy who’d be in a bar alone. Drinking something in a corner, never interacting with anyone. Paying my tab and drifting out. I’ve known I wouldn’t walk this path with anyone. But damn, does life need to remind me so much?
Ugh…pretty much sums up today.
I sit here in this darkened room wondering where my life went. A little over a year ago, I had a full-time job, a house and my dog was still alive. Out of the three, I really only miss the dog.
Let’s face it, a non-judgemental being who loves you unconditionally is a loss when they die, period. I spend my days sleeping. There’s nothing else to do. Most of my friends are working or raising children. Funny thing though, the one person I never thought would contact me again since she left with her mom, did. I’m a granddad, kind of. And her mom, my still not ex-wife? Well, she’s somewhere in California, doing whatever she’s doing.
All I can think about is what I’ve lost in a year. The money was cool, but it comes and goes. I’d rather have the house back, with my dog. I would settle for just my boy. I miss taking him for walks. At least, he was happy to see me walk through the door. These days, I walk out to go to work and don’t know what I’ll face when I’m there. And I’m beginning not to care.
I really want out of this state, this miserable existence that passes for my life. Not death, mind you, but something else besides this hand I got dealt. I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get out of this mess. I feel like Garth, much too you to feel this damn old.
If only my life were like the X-Men. I could travel to the past and right some wrongs, thereby saving myself and others heartache. Seeing an ex who turned out to be a better friend than the still not ex wife (Damn you Md courts!) who claims to be a friend still. And hanging out with said ex girlfriend and her new who, strangely I also know and realizing that she’s finally happy while thinking of all that I’ve lost with the simple act of forgiving a wife I shouldn’t have trusted.
How do I reconcile being happy with a job that’s difficult and may lead nowhere with absolute emptiness in an almost non-existent personal life? I literally live for going to work. I actually love my job. I have no real demands there and it can be dangerous, but rarely is. And yet, I could walk away tomorrow with no remorse. I find myself ready to walk away a lot. My one bit of a bright spot got extinguished when first a mentor died, then I found out that my dog was put down right after. And still somehow, someone sees fit to keep me here. Though my path is unseen and solitary, even amongst everyone and everything around me, I stand alone. I should be worried, maybe even sad about my life at the moment, but I don’t really have the energy to care anymore. I have just accepted that life sucks and until it doesn’t, I’ll just keep moving along. That’s the funny thing about life, it won’t give me any other choice.
To the world, this is a time of great joy and happiness. To me, not so much. The holidays ceased being joyful to me well before I was a teenager. I may wish you a merry christmas. I’m being polite, I was raised that way. But I’ll be spending the day the same way I have the last few years. realizing that my life is filled with bad decisions and love unreturned. And the simple realization of another year of loss. to the rest of you with loving families and holiday cheer, enjoy it. I’ll be here with my dog. That I have to find a home for. But Im still above ground on this rock with the rest of you. So, I should be thankful, right?
Till next time…
It’s simple really. Life hurts, suck it up and keep moving. Until you can’t. Pain, it comes and goes. No-one cares, so you deal with it. Alone, always. The only bright spot in your life you have to part with, oh well, he’s just a dog. Finally had a place of your own. Had to give it up, who cares! There’s always someone who has it worse. So you sit, and suffer, smile and wear the mask, all the while realizing that you aren’t ever going to he the guy that gets help. Or the girl. Or anything for that matter. So you sit, surrounded by your thoughts, and wonder when it will all end. And how. And if you’ll even care when it does.
My poor blog. I’ve been neglecting you. I promise, I’ll post more soon.