Why am I still here?

I should’ve never come back here. I’ve lost my peace and quiet, my space, my only friend who never nagged or judged me. Still can’t get free of a woman I should never have married. And she’s on the west coast. I need to just save my money and dissapear. Just cut ties to my past, good, bad, and otherwise. Simply start over.

At least, if I do it that way, I don’t have the sight of what might have been and never will be constantly staring at me. It’s just time to go, has been for awhile. I’ve tried to deny it too long.

Still

Still feel like a third, fourth or fifth wheel when I go out out with friends. More comfortable at work than anywhere else. Never feel like I fit in anymore. Still walking this life alone. Don’t like it but, I seems like I’m destined to walk alone in this life. Still have the urge one day to simply disappear. Still haunted by ghosts of my past in a lonesome present. 

Still miss my dog. Still miss my wife, though I really shouldn’t. Still wonder what’s wrong with me for missing her. Still want to just say “fuck it” and go play pool. Still wonder why the only time I get a break is when my body makes me take one. Still want to know what it’s like to not struggle, just for a little bit. 

Still wonder why when I’m almost asleep every failure in my life decides to come visit. Still wonder if I’ll ever be truly satisfied with the me that I’ve become. Still wonder how I keep getting back up after being knocked down so many times. 
Still wonder if my thoughts will ever truly be still..

Going nowhere, fast.

I sit here in this darkened room wondering where my life went. A little over a year ago, I had a full-time job, a house and my dog was still alive. Out of the three, I really only miss the dog.

Let’s face it, a non-judgemental being who loves you unconditionally is a loss when they die, period. I spend my days sleeping. There’s nothing else to do. Most of my friends are working or raising children. Funny thing though, the one person I never thought would contact me again since she left with her mom, did. I’m a granddad, kind of. And her mom, my still not ex-wife? Well, she’s somewhere in California, doing whatever she’s doing.

All I can think about is what I’ve lost in a year. The money was cool, but it comes and goes.  I’d rather have the house back, with my dog. I would settle for just my boy. I miss taking him for walks. At least, he was happy to see me walk through the door. These days, I walk out to go to work and don’t know what I’ll face when I’m there. And I’m beginning not to care.
I really want out of this state, this miserable existence that passes for my life. Not death, mind you, but something else besides this hand I got dealt. I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to get out of this mess. I feel like Garth, much too you to feel this damn old.

Days of future passed.

If only my life were like the X-Men. I could travel to the past and right some wrongs, thereby saving myself and others heartache. Seeing an ex who turned out to be a better friend than the still not ex wife (Damn you Md courts!) who claims to be a friend still. And hanging out with said ex girlfriend and her new  who, strangely I also know and realizing that she’s finally happy while thinking of all that I’ve lost with the simple act of forgiving a wife I shouldn’t have trusted.

How do I reconcile being happy with a job that’s difficult and may lead nowhere with absolute emptiness in an almost non-existent personal life? I literally live for going to work. I actually love my job. I have no real demands there and it can be dangerous, but rarely is. And yet, I could walk away tomorrow with no remorse. I find myself ready to walk away a lot. My one bit of a bright spot got extinguished when first a mentor died, then I found out that my dog was put down right after. And still somehow, someone sees fit to keep me here. Though my path is unseen and solitary, even amongst everyone and everything around me, I stand alone. I should be worried, maybe even sad about my life at the moment, but I don’t really have the energy to care anymore. I have just accepted that life sucks and until it doesn’t, I’ll just keep moving along. That’s the funny thing about life, it won’t give me any other choice.