Standing outside the fire

I just can’t shake the empty feeling. I have plenty of friends, loving family, decent job. Things are starting to look better than they were, but I still have the big empty spot in my life. I don’t know why, and it won’t leave. I still pass by the airport and want to grab a one ticket out of here. Just disappear somewhere and start everything over. New name, the whole bit.

It wouldn’t be fair to a lot of people, but to be honest, I’ve wanted to do this since I was in high school. Just go. And never come back. That pull is still here. And I realize that it’s tied to that emptiness. Some inner voice saying to me that I’ve missed my calling. I just wish it would tell me what that calling is. All it does tell me otherwise is that I’ve wasted my life. I’ve failed in marriage, failed to finish college, never had a career. I don’t go out much because it’s pointless to me, I sit there and watch couples all happy and friends out doing things and realize I’m not one of them. I’m that guy who’d be in a bar alone. Drinking something in a corner, never interacting with anyone. Paying my tab and drifting out. I’ve known I wouldn’t walk this path with anyone. But damn, does life need to remind me so much?

Losing, again…

Well, last post I lost my job. Next up, my house and the only reason I had to come home to that house after everyone left me there.  I may have a new job tomorrow, just not in time to save my house. Or to keep my boy. So, now I begin the packing and moving my belongings to storage again. And saying goodbye to my dog. All a result of a wife who left and went back to drugs instead of a stable life with a good job and a family she claimed to love. I know now that I am meant to be alone. I just wanted to keep my dog. Looks like I don’t get that option either. Mr. Impossible is out of miracles. I knew it would happen sometime. I would be ok if wasn’t for the fact of doing nothing but losing something constantly over the past two years just keeps running through my head. It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t always stuck in these situations alone with no prospects of help from anyone. I can’t even find someone to keep my dog safe. I used to tell him “it’s just you and me”. Now I have to give him up. Life’s just a giant punch in the face.

Over when it’s over

Well this looks like the end of my time in Brooklyn. I will be giving up the townhouse I called home for almost three years. And a marriage that was more off than on for the past eleven years. This place was supposed to be a fresh start for a family that apparently wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t the best of places, but I tried. And just like the dream I had, I got left again and it all comes crashing down on me.

The only difference this time is that I have to possibly let go of most loyal friend I’ve got these days. And he won’t understand why. I can only hope that I can get him a good home if I can’t pull off another impossible feat in less than a week. He doesn’t deserve this. Sad, but I’m worried more about him than myself.

I just don’t think of myself as anything but expendable anymore. I just want to somewhere I can come home to a friendly face and be relaxed after my day is done. That’s not too much to ask, is it?

Mission impossible

Picture this. Never being wrong. Wait, let me rephrase, never being allowed to be wrong. Knowing what happens if and when you screw up you know you’ll catch hell. And knowing others have been and will not get half of what you do.

Knowing that someone above you expects way more from you than you’re allowed to give. And also knowing if you don’t deliver, they’re never gonna get off your back about it, in public or private. Knowing you can’t fail. Having to plan for the worst and be ready for the sh&t to hit the fan at any time.

Oh, and be a rock for others having no support for yourself. Knowing that you will have to give up the only friend who’s always happy to see you to go and care for another who is dying and not know what the future holds afterwards.

And a family that can’t help you because they have their own issues. Impossible mission, hell yeah. But I will find a way to carry it out anyway.

How? Why should I? I don’t know how yet. And why, because I’m me, Mr. Impossible, that’s why. It’s what I do. Rest, relax. F that, I’ll rest when I’m dead.

Welcome to my life. I’m always in the crosshairs. Rant over, I got shit to do. I’ve wasted too much time here already…

Holidays

I just don’t like the holidays anymore. I look around and see something missing I know I should be thankful for still drawing breath, but instead I find myself missing good times gone and the dearly departed from my life. It’s getting harder and harder to adjust to the life I live vs. the vision I have for where my life should be.

I just keep seeing my life pass me by and sit in the city of my birth, isolated from my close family and friends. I’ve known my path would be solitary, but must it be so damned miserable? I feel like the only thing keeping me anchored to this life of late has 4 legs and a tail. I’ve finally reconciled my heart with my mind on the death of a marriage I should have known was gone years ago. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to stick out this hardship tour I seem to be on. And it’s left me plain old empty. And tired. God, I’m so tired. And there’s no rest in sight.

Nevermore

Tired. Beyond belief, like weary, to the bone. Of everything and almost everyone. I know that I should really just take a vacation and a big dose of fuckital. But nope, I can’t, too much kicking around my head at the moment. Love lost, life on pause , nothing seems to matter anymore.

Where is it all leading to? And what is going to be the end result? I never get answers, only more questions. My faith and wits are stretched to the max. And there’s no relief in sight.

But there’s too much to do and not enough time to do what needs doing. Especially on my own, but I don’t expect help to come anymore. Either I suck it up and get it done, or I don’t. There is no other option. Life goes on and so must I.