Today was rough. Bosses were buggin, customers were flaky. But my peeps had some Crown Royal for me and good company with family and friends made it alright.
I should’ve never come back here. I’ve lost my peace and quiet, my space, my only friend who never nagged or judged me. Still can’t get free of a woman I should never have married. And she’s on the west coast. I need to just save my money and dissapear. Just cut ties to my past, good, bad, and otherwise. Simply start over.
At least, if I do it that way, I don’t have the sight of what might have been and never will be constantly staring at me. It’s just time to go, has been for awhile. I’ve tried to deny it too long.
That old feeling. The one that even while out among friends, keeps nagging at me that I just don’t belong and should probably just disappear. And I’m inclined to follow it more and more as time goes on.
Still feel like a third, fourth or fifth wheel when I go out out with friends. More comfortable at work than anywhere else. Never feel like I fit in anymore. Still walking this life alone. Don’t like it but, I seems like I’m destined to walk alone in this life. Still have the urge one day to simply disappear. Still haunted by ghosts of my past in a lonesome present.
Still miss my dog. Still miss my wife, though I really shouldn’t. Still wonder what’s wrong with me for missing her. Still want to just say “fuck it” and go play pool. Still wonder why the only time I get a break is when my body makes me take one. Still want to know what it’s like to not struggle, just for a little bit.
Still wonder why when I’m almost asleep every failure in my life decides to come visit. Still wonder if I’ll ever be truly satisfied with the me that I’ve become. Still wonder how I keep getting back up after being knocked down so many times.
Still wonder if my thoughts will ever truly be still..
I just can’t shake the empty feeling. I have plenty of friends, loving family, decent job. Things are starting to look better than they were, but I still have the big empty spot in my life. I don’t know why, and it won’t leave. I still pass by the airport and want to grab a one ticket out of here. Just disappear somewhere and start everything over. New name, the whole bit.
It wouldn’t be fair to a lot of people, but to be honest, I’ve wanted to do this since I was in high school. Just go. And never come back. That pull is still here. And I realize that it’s tied to that emptiness. Some inner voice saying to me that I’ve missed my calling. I just wish it would tell me what that calling is. All it does tell me otherwise is that I’ve wasted my life. I’ve failed in marriage, failed to finish college, never had a career. I don’t go out much because it’s pointless to me, I sit there and watch couples all happy and friends out doing things and realize I’m not one of them. I’m that guy who’d be in a bar alone. Drinking something in a corner, never interacting with anyone. Paying my tab and drifting out. I’ve known I wouldn’t walk this path with anyone. But damn, does life need to remind me so much?
Ugh…pretty much sums up today.