Standing outside the fire

I just can’t shake the empty feeling. I have plenty of friends, loving family, decent job. Things are starting to look better than they were, but I still have the big empty spot in my life. I don’t know why, and it won’t leave. I still pass by the airport and want to grab a one ticket out of here. Just disappear somewhere and start everything over. New name, the whole bit.

It wouldn’t be fair to a lot of people, but to be honest, I’ve wanted to do this since I was in high school. Just go. And never come back. That pull is still here. And I realize that it’s tied to that emptiness. Some inner voice saying to me that I’ve missed my calling. I just wish it would tell me what that calling is. All it does tell me otherwise is that I’ve wasted my life. I’ve failed in marriage, failed to finish college, never had a career. I don’t go out much because it’s pointless to me, I sit there and watch couples all happy and friends out doing things and realize I’m not one of them. I’m that guy who’d be in a bar alone. Drinking something in a corner, never interacting with anyone. Paying my tab and drifting out. I’ve known I wouldn’t walk this path with anyone. But damn, does life need to remind me so much?