Dark thoughts

I realize that it’s been awhile since I posted anything here. I’ll try to get better about that. Things I’ve tried not to think about have been robbing me of rest lately.

Like why my life turned out the way it did. Why none of the connections I’ve made that know I’m in the situation I’m in have actively tried to help me that are in a position to. Why my wife suddenly “loves me” from 3000 miles away.

Wondering will I make it to next year in this hell hole of a city. Wondering if all the good I’ve done will ever be repaid. Wondering if I will ever get a well-earned rest. Wondering what that rest will cost me.

Will anyone ever love me enough to stand by me through the good times and the bad? Why I feel more guilty about leaving my dog at home than not calling my cousin and letting him know I wouldn’t be there for two days.

And even though I let a lot of this darkness and self-doubt go, why it comes back nightly, like that old nemesis you just can’t shake. This, I can post to the web, but can’t tell it to anyone in person.

I have the feeling I should have made a choice 12 years ago, didn’t, and won’t get a chance to make the right one before it’s too late. I often wonder why this all hasn’t driven me mad. And how long before I go completely cold. I feel it coming. I’m not sure I want to try and stop it this time. Maybe I’d better off letting it happen and simply disappearing.

Through all the times getting knocked down, I keep getting back up. Why? And for how long?

Until things turn out however, it’ll be me and the pup.

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