It’s been awhile. Life has gone on. New job, old town. Man’s best friend, at least my dog, is no longer with me. I had to move back in with family. In a hometown that doesn’t feel like home. I’ve trained two bosses, this after was requested to replace the outgoing leader of the department that I worked in. I’ve been passed over three times for the same job. Only this time, I don’t really have to train my new leader. He was my peer. I had to watch two bosses almost apologize for not picking me. They literally justified why I got passed over again. I’m happy for him, but wondering what miracle I have to perform to get recognized in my store. And I don’t think anything I do will be good enough. I just can’t seem to feel slighted by those I trusted. And I feel like a spoiled child for being upset. But, nobody likes losing. And I lost, yet again. I’m good enough to train new coworkers and leaders, but not good enough to be one.
Will I ever truly be able to feel appreciated anymore, anywhere? No peace and quiet at home, no recognition at work. And no way to take any time off and get away from here for awhile. Yep, looks like this blog is my online window to the misery of my life. Sorry if this sucks, it matches my life right now.
And tossing a concert shot at ya!
Today was rough. Bosses were buggin, customers were flaky. But my peeps had some Crown Royal for me and good company with family and friends made it alright.
Budweiser Clydesdales, Military bowl parade Monday December 28, 2015.
I should’ve never come back here. I’ve lost my peace and quiet, my space, my only friend who never nagged or judged me. Still can’t get free of a woman I should never have married. And she’s on the west coast. I need to just save my money and dissapear. Just cut ties to my past, good, bad, and otherwise. Simply start over.
At least, if I do it that way, I don’t have the sight of what might have been and never will be constantly staring at me. It’s just time to go, has been for awhile. I’ve tried to deny it too long.
That old feeling. The one that even while out among friends, keeps nagging at me that I just don’t belong and should probably just disappear. And I’m inclined to follow it more and more as time goes on.
Still feel like a third, fourth or fifth wheel when I go out out with friends. More comfortable at work than anywhere else. Never feel like I fit in anymore. Still walking this life alone. Don’t like it but, I seems like I’m destined to walk alone in this life. Still have the urge one day to simply disappear. Still haunted by ghosts of my past in a lonesome present.
Still miss my dog. Still miss my wife, though I really shouldn’t. Still wonder what’s wrong with me for missing her. Still want to just say “fuck it” and go play pool. Still wonder why the only time I get a break is when my body makes me take one. Still want to know what it’s like to not struggle, just for a little bit.
Still wonder why when I’m almost asleep every failure in my life decides to come visit. Still wonder if I’ll ever be truly satisfied with the me that I’ve become. Still wonder how I keep getting back up after being knocked down so many times.
Still wonder if my thoughts will ever truly be still..